It’s closing in on Christmas, and unless you’re very organised, most of us are running from shop to shop trying to find gifts for the family dregs.
If you can’t think of a single thing for your second cousin thrice removed, why not look for inspiration in people you might know a little bit better…
Rivals
Taggie
Taggie has taken to the Rutshire roads with only her own tape-recorded voice for company. Her dyslexia (which, given it’s the 80s, is spoken about like a terminal illness) prohibits her from reading maps. If we use a cheeky bit of time travel and take a modern-day satnav back to 1988, she could choose whatever voice she wanted. Maybe she’d do the standard RP English… maybe she’d go with a classic 80s celeb like George Michael… or maybe she’d choose Rutshire’s own Rupert Campbell Black.
Breaking Bad
Walter White
Meth kingpin Walter White had his fair share of enemies, among them the cartel, law enforcement and bosses, who wanted to murder him. His most formidable opponent was, of course, a fly. He famously spent an entire episode trying to kill one, using an improvised swatter device. All he needed was the classic red plastic version. Okay, he also needed not to poison children, but we can save that for his New Year’s resolution.
Shrinking
Gaby
Gaby’s ludicrously capacious water bottle has a strong surface area to adorn with accessories, and with the amount that have come on the market this year she’s really missing out. From mini-water bottle backpacks to full snack trays that fit on the top, there’s just so much to choose from.
Ghosts
Kitty
If there’s one thing Kitty wants, it’s a sleepover with Alison. For when the day finally comes, a selection of slumber party items would make it the party she deserves. Obviously, she has been dead for 200 years, so there’s no need for matching PJs, but maybe a karaoke machine and a VHS of a classic sleepover movie, like Bridget Jones or Mean Girls.
Big Boys
Jules
For someone as patriotic as Jules, there’s only one answer - Brent University merch. Now this could be anything really, a themed teddy bear, a tote bag, but ideally a personalised hi-vis to announcing her prestigious position as Union Officer.
Sex in the City
Carrie Bradshaw
As Carrie Bradshaw bought her 100th pair of Manolo Blahniks, I couldn’t help but wonder… how does a columnist afford $40,000 worth of shoes?
And it’s not just shoes - it’s litres of cosmopolitans, packs of cigarettes and mountains of designer clothes. Yes, she has a rent-stabilised apartment… but she also has $957 in her savings, which all things considered is not enough to fund her lifestyle. Cue an hour with a financial advisor. Ideally she needs longer, but in a cruel twist of fate the people who sort out money cost a lot of it.
Arrested Development
Tobias Fünke
Tobias gets himself into some sticky situations… rather, some situations where he is covered in paint. As a wannabe member of the Blue Man Group, Tobias chooses to follow the age-old maxim “dress for the job you want, not the one you have.” A few false starts mean he has to blue and un-blue himself at quite a speed. A good quality, humongous sized oil-based cleanser would probably be much appreciated, and necessary.
Nobody Wants This
Bina
When Joanne brings one of the most decidedly un-kosher presents in existence to her Rabbi boyfriend’s family home, her charcuterie offering goes directly into the bin. Luckily for Joanne, it turns out her potential mother-in-law, Bina, likes a bit of what Joanne calls “fancy Italian beef” (but is actually pork). In fact, she likes it enough to eat it out of the bin… like a racoon…
Our girl Bina wouldn’t like anyone to know this is a regular habit, so a discreetly packaged charcuterie subscription might be the way forward.
Succession
The Roys
Between ludicrously capacious bags, Kendall Roy’s cashmere baseball caps and Patek Philippes it’s likely any attempt at gifting the Roys would embarrass you. So, let’s just leave this here.
Heartstopper
Charlie & Nick
Nick and Charlie are likely going long-distance for series four, as Nick decides to follow his dreams and go to Leeds. It’s never easy when high-school relationships reach uni, but it gets harder when your partner is your best friend and your boyfriend.
To save them checking their phones every 10-seconds for texts from one another, a set of touch sensitive bracelets might assist. There are a few on the market, but the basic set up is that when you tap the bracelet, the other person feels it on their wrist.
